Senior civil servant: “The team puts great faith in Mad Max and Checo Perez.”
Air Chief Marshall Sir Christian Horner: “They’re vital, but they won’t shoot down Mercedes.”
Senior civil servant: “Ha … well I must say you don’t exactly exude a spirit of optimism.”
Air Chief Marshall Sir Christian Horner: “God willing, we will hold out Hamo and Georgie.”
Senior civil servant: “I see. So I tell the board that you’re trusting in our Honda engines and praying for Mad Max, is that right?”
Air Chief Marshall Sir Christian Horner: “(chuckles) More accurately the other way round. Trusting in Mad Max and praying for Checo. But the essential arithmetic is that our young Maxie will have to shoot down their young man and their 39-year-old man and those soap dodgers and Kangas at McLaren at the rate of four to one, if Checo is to keep pace at all.”
Senior civil servant: “Indeed, Sir Christian. Our Max has been putting up a valiant fight this season, but the ponytailed, bling boy is a formidable opponent. I have faith that Maxie will turn the tide.”
At the end of the movie the headline from the front page of The Herald Sun (part of this multimedia group) flashes up: “Soap Dodger wins Soap Dodger F1 in Soap Dodger Land in car built in Soap Dodger market town and civil parish in West Northamptonshire. Kangas come 4 and 13.”
Hamo cried because he won, Mad Max cried because he came first of the losers, Leaping Lando cried because the team stuffed up again, Georgie cried because his car broke and he had to call the NRMA, Pete Gasly cried because his car didn’t even get to the start line and he was hit with a 50-place grid penalty – and the 148,000 soap dodgers watching the race in the Temple of Top Hats cried because it was a beautiful SDL summer’s day with a balmy 9 degrees, torrential rain and cyclonic winds and they had all slapped on the Hawaiian tropic, worn their best wife/husband and other beater singlets and were outside the pub for one day of the year.
Red Bull boss Little Chris Horner (brother of sit in the corner Jack) cried because his second car and driver were about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
As the London Telegraph’s Luke Slater said, it was “six laps, five drivers and three lead changes that showed the very best of F1 at the British GP. A sequence of six laps showed F1 at its very best with mistakes, overtakes and the lead swapping several times between three Britons – Lewis Hamilton, George Russell and Lando Norris.”
It was a master class from Hamo, the best wet weather driver ever. He was the best driver, in the best car, with the best strategy but he told the team to get fudged when they made the wrong calls.
And Nico Hulkenberg drove the race of the century or at least the last 100 years. Pity for Haas (soon to be Toyota) that he goes to Sauber next year.
In other front page stories: Will Toyota buy Haas? Will the US Department of Justice find F1 is operating under “anti-competitive” practices by keeping Andretti out of the sport? Will our most recommended car (Lexus) start its own limo company in Australia (yes)? Did Which? mag just rate Lexus as SDL’s most reliable used car, scoring five stars over 15 years (yes)? Did Alfa, Land Rover, Audi and BMW rank least reliable (yes)? Are EVs less reliable than proper cars (yes siree)? And do Audi and Tesla owners have to replace their batteries more than any other EV brand (yes)?
And today’s big question: Is Hamo making a mistake going to Ferrari next year? Hmm, is continuing to eat Toad in the Hole in Milton Keynes when you could have tortellini del Tortellante, followed by crème caramel made with 36-month-aged Parmesan cheese, chives and 12-year-old balsamic vinegar at Il Cavallino a mistake? Yup, staying in Milton Keynes would be as big a mistake as a cat trying to bury a poo on a marble floor.
And our favourite driver from Australia’s easternmost state just called in on the psychic Bro/Jandals phone to say: “I just sort of turned in, looked pretty good and then just got smashed by someone, gutting.”
Of course, the hitee was Shane van Gisbergen. Going into last weekend’s NASCAR Chicago streetcar race, Shane was odds-on. Shane was the first driver to win a NASCAR race on debut and of course the first citizen of Australia’s most eastern state to win.
Chase Briscoe clipped Shane and so his Chevvy went into the levy wall ending his race on lap 27. Fans weren’t happy with Chase putting SVB out of the race: “Courtesy of the untalented loser named Chase Briscoe”, “Briscoe sucks always has”, and “How Briscoe has a ride is beyond me.”
The day before, Shane put on a master class winning the NASCAR Xfinity Series to claim his third consecutive series road-course win and second race win on the 2.2-mile downtown Chicago streets.
OK. All of us on your Weekend Australian motoring section in the business section are tired of the constant complaints about our choice of car of the week.
We know that many of you have to stretch the budget to buy a 911S vs an ordinary 911, that the price of petrol has got so high you have switched the V8 SS ute for an ordinary six and that with ciggies at $55 a packet you have had to switch to coke.
So today you can head over to Mecums Auctions for the red Real Time 4-wheel drive, 656cc inline 3-cylinder, 5-speed Honda Acty Pickup. It’s pimped and pumped and ready for your cruise around Suzie Wong’s Good Time Bar in the Valley.
How many looks will you get with the headache rack, fold-down bedsides, genuine cigarette lighter, cassette player ready for a few bars of Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Babe by the 150-a-day smoke and love man Bazza White?
If you pay more than $5k for this you’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
[email protected]
