Today we are pushing the boundaries of Fermat’s Last Theorem and the inexorability principle while asking the big questions, like: Why does time only flow in one direction? Why do spare parts for cars cost so much; and why do Ferrari, Hyundai and other makers not believe in Australian Consumer Law?
Let’s answer the easy ones first.
We’ve been promising the giant expose on the spare parts and service rorts in Australia for as long as the Ford Ranger has been the best-selling car in the antipodes (tough luck Tesla).
Of course, if we had paid extra for the Raptor with the 3.0L V6 Twin-Turbo 300kw EcoBoost 10AT Full-Time 4WD we would have been a lot quicker. Actually, if you’re on the front row of the grid at the traffic lights, the Raptor hits 100km/h in around six seconds which is about the same time as a BMWiX, a Tesla, a Golf GTI or a second slower than my V8 SS ute.
If you buy a new car in what passes for Australia and you have a problem that the maker or dealer can’t solve, your fudged.
No one from what passes for a government will help you. Only going in front of the beak (which is expensive) may get you something if you win and even then it’s expensive.
Time for a motorists’ party (political not a Coopers one)? No one else, including the anti-motoring organisations like the NRMA, RACV, RAC WA, RAA SA, RACQ, RAC Tas, AANT, RAMC (Russia) and TACI (Iran) where they speak both Persian and English which is more than the Australian clubs do, is on our side.
Anyway, more on that next week.
Moving on, let’s catch up on this week’s episode of RMD of M: Just as Mohammed Ahmad Sultan Ben Sulayem (FIA president; keep up please) enlists a spiritual guru to help the teams feel not so bad and find their way back, the drivers confront their issues head on and begin to mend hurt feelings, the 22 Rich Male Drivers repeat what MotorSport magazine said, that “Since taking office in December 2021, Ben Sulayem has described an alleged valuation of F1 as ‘inflated’; criticised drivers making political statements; and made inflammatory comments about women’s intelligence”.
Then Danny “Honey Badger” Ricciardo says no talkies from Leaping Lance Stroll after Leaping Lance shoved his Aston Martin into the rear of Danny’s ATM in China. But after Danny spoke out, Leaping Lance’s Dad, Laurie, reported a humungous loss at his Aston Martin car company as SUV sales lead-ballooned by 60 per cent in the first three months of the year and the share price went down faster than Leaping Lance in Shanghai (40 seconds behind and around 20 years younger than teammate Ferdy Alonso).
Then in exclusive reports in the world’s best RMD of M celeb goss mag, Business F1, editor Tom Rubython says that Red Bull boss Christian Horner is “drinking at the last chance saloon” and that “Christian has told so many lies in so small a time that his situation has become unsustainable and he will eventually be departing or his team will be departing him”.
Then Tom tells us that the independent lawyer, Blake Turner, who investigated Chris Horner’s sexual harassment allegations, wasn’t so independent. No, Turner is the London legal rep of the Yoovidhya family which owns 51 per cent of Red Bull.
Then Tom tells us the Feezer team is so short of sponsors, ciggie maker Philip Morris is back on the books along with Australian gambling company VGW Holdings, which is “hardly the usual sort of prestige brand Ferrari associates with”.
Anyway, this weekend the RMD will be racing around the Hard Rock Stadium, home of the Miami Dolphins, alongside a fake marina, in a city full of fake people with fake tans, teeth, lips and breasts (all sexes). Don’t ask me for my tips. They’re the same as the last race.
Moving to Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham, Alabama, a big cheer for our eastern state’s former supercar champion, Scotty McLaughlin, 30, who won the Alabama Indy Grand Prix in his Good Ranchers Team Penske Chevrolet from our own Will Power in the Verizon Business Team Penske Chevrolet.
Talking of Chevys and Australians, 51-year-old Barbados cricket team owner, actor, producer, businessperson and rapper Mark Wahlberg is now calling the eastern suburbs of Sydney home.
Mark not only has a very serious collection of (largely soap dodger) metal, he loves cars so much he owns four Chevy dealerships in Ohio (the Tasmania of the USA). Mark is, of course one of our favourite persons having had an upbringing that included drugs, jail and heavy assault charges and turned that into becoming the world’s highest paid actor. He is a big church goer and can be seen with new friend, priest and Vatican star Father Louie at the Rose Bay (the Peppermint Grove of the Emerald City) catholic church.
Via the physic internet, Marky Mark tells us to get in before close of business on May 9 to book the Airbnb at the Ferrari Museum in downtown Marenello. Hosted by hosted by ex-F1 racer Marc Gené, you get a hot lap with Marc in a Feezer 296 GTB, tickets to the 2024 Emilia Romagna Grand Prix and a free dinner at the Ristorante Cavallino.
Writing in the FT this week, John Burn-Murdoch (no relation) tells us that deaths on US roads are three times the rate of the average developed country. It’s not big cars, it’s probably that US drivers are much less likely to wear seat belts, have higher rates of drink driving and spend more time on mobile phones while driving.
Next week temporary Australians will be flooding to their screens when Dave Gooding sells a 1972 Ducati 750 Imola Desmo (a motorbike) to anyone with a lazy million in the safe under the bed.
One of seven in existence and definitely one of the most significant, historically important motorcycles ever offered for sale, this two-wheeler comes in its original silver metalflake gelcoat finish and has had the same owner for the past 29 years.
jcp.com.au
