No, the big news this week isn't that the motorist's friend, Roddy Sims, has started a court case against VW, or that the South Korean government has ordered Audi to recall some of its Audi 8 models and banned the sale of 80 VW models or more than 80,000 vehicles.
No, readers, it's bigger than that. Yes, here at The Weekend Australian business section we have solved the motoring world's problems. Simple as that. Tired of your environmentally friendly pals telling you how your car is ending the world?
Then join me today at Auctions America's Auburn Fall Collector Car Weekend, where you can buy Wendell the elephant for a tad over 300 grand. Not only can you drive (steer? ride?) Wendell, you can elephant-share with six big friends or eight regular-sized ones. Wendell, 65, weighs 635kg, is 3.65m long and 2.65m high.
Look, this guarantees you can attract any member of the opposite or same sex as you pull up outside the 2001 Odyssey disco in Brooklyn. But even better, just say you feel a bit of road rage. No problem: Wendell can shoot water from his trunk.
There's more. Wendell has a built-in CD player and speakers, giving you the ability to trumpet whenever you get the urge.