I know this is a difficult time for you. Racing circuits closed, Targa Tasmania cancelled, no live anything, high petrol prices despite Brent Crude down 70 per cent to the price of a six pack of three-ply toilet paper.
Luckily the Sultan of Stepney is on the team.
"You know what the readers need? A live version of this column on the telly," Mick excitedly yelled down the landline yesterday. "Just imagine it. There we are. You, me, Tim Cooper, Phil Alexander, Steve Champion (the brown-cardigan-wearing accountant), Garth Walden and Molly Taylor … to show we're not completely sexist … sitting at the bar at the Kensi talking about the same rubbish you go on with every Saturday.
"There'll be guests like Norm Beechy, Lou Hamilton, the honey badger (Dan Ricciardo), Donny Trump and some famous women … and we'd start off every show with a couple of pints of Coopers Best Extra Stout to steady the nerves, quickly moving on to a few Bundy OPs and who knows what would happen? Live TV at its best."
Three years ago, I wrote about Gavin King's Concours Sportscar Restoration and spotted a Jaguar XJS undergoing a major renovation. A few years ago, you couldn't give these cars away. But Ray Patchett from South Australia did take my advice.
"Hi John, took your advice from a few years ago and picked up an 87 XJS from the wrecking yard in Adelaide for $3k (no engine or transmission). Bought a Holden V8 for the same money. Next gave a brief to the Melbourne son in law to sketch what he thought a 2020 model would look like."
Ray was very clear on his vision for the car. "I wanted understated elegance. I didn't want it to look like the kind of car that you should be dealing substances out of the boot."
Ray stripped the body back to bare metal, coated in the Phantom Grey, added the side blinkers from a Ford Ranger, bonnet vents from Land Rover Disco, new trim to match plus some carbon fibre, laser cutting and 3D printing. Not only does the car look sensational — Ray says he just returned home from an 8000k test drive to Perth. "The Holden transplant purred."
Ray has sculpted a work of art for less than the price of a Toyota Corolla. Stuck at home and think there's nothing to do. Get out. Go down to the wreckers and start on your very own piece of auto art.