We know that you have already suggested some new, what you quaintly call sports, to the July 2028 event, which will no doubt be hosted by a nearly 70-year-old Thomas Cruise Mapother IV (who before becoming a global cultural icon studied to be a priest) and Calvin Cordozar Broadus Jr, aka Snoop Dogg (who before becoming a rap legend was an enthusiastic churchgoer and member of the Rollin 20s Crips gang whose members have been involved in murders, robberies and drug dealing, among other crimes).
We are not suggesting Mr Dogg was anyway involved in any murders, robberies and drug dealing.
Anyway, Messrs Mapother IV and Dogg have told us the new sports will be lacrosse sixes; baseball-softball; cricket; flag football and squash. Be still my beating heart.
Our team suggest monster truck racing, and dances of the 1960s and ’70s – in particular the funky chicken, the swim, the hitch hike, the monkey, the frug, the hustle and of course the grinder.
While I know most of the 20 of you know the first six, the grinder, like breaking, may need some explanation.
Grinding is an intimate and romantic close dance where two or more dancers rub or bump their bodies against each other. The male dancer will typically place his hands on the female dancer’s hips or waist. Note to parents or those of you considering aiming for a place in the Australian Olympic grinding team, doctors have warned of the dangers of grinding, after having many cases of broken penises.
As you know, last weekend was Australia’s premier sporting event, the Winton 300. The scene setter for the 300 was the National Super Truck championship. Seriously, seeing seven of the world’s fastest prime movers coming out of the early morning Victorian mist at 95km/h blowing their own mist was enough to wonder why the Froggies didn’t jump on this before they decided on skateboarding, sport climbing, surfing and breaking.
(Back to Winton for a minute: in the last race three Kenworths took the podium along with their jockeys Frank Amoroso, Shannon Smith and Amoroso’s deadly rival, Steve Zammit.)
Before you email the boss about our drinking and other bad habits you need to know that just 124 years ago the Paris Olympics didn’t have breaking, or surfing, or flag football but it did have motorsports! Not just any motorsports but 14 categories, including six-seater cars, electric taxis vs. normal taxis, electric delivery vans vs. real delivery vans and trucks among others.
Note to Elon Musk and other lovers, Kassia St. Clair’s wonderful book, The Race to the Future (more on this next week) tells us before “gasoline became the fuel of choice, many car designers preferred electric motors, especially because then (as now) most people drove less than 100 miles a day. But then (as now) electric cars were seen as less manly and less rugged”.
In fact, at the 1900 Paris Olympic Games there were 16 gold medal up for grabs for automobiles, motorcycles and trucks.
Readers let’s bring it back. Instead of the kiddies trying to get LA gold by jumping over and across things, get them into fire engine and super truck racing. Not only was motor racing an Olympic sport but the LA Coliseum hosts NASCAR racing.
Talking of cars, three days ago Ford Motor Co. and Mazda North America issued urgent “do not drive” warnings for more than 457,000 vehicles equipped with recalled, unrepaired Takata airbags.
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says: “If you have one of these vehicles, do not drive it until the repair is completed and the defective airbag is replaced.”
In case you’re wondering, the do not drive applies to metal including the 2004-06 Ford Ranger, the 2005-14 Mustang, the 2003-08 Mazda6, the MazdaSpeed6, and the 2004-06 Mazda MPV.
“Some of these vehicles are now more than 20 years old, which increases the risk of an airbag rupturing in a crash. If an explosion occurs, it can severely injure or kill vehicle occupants,” NHTSA tells us.
Relax. Someone in authority will eventually tell you if your Australian airbag is about to explode.
Talking more about cars, why not buy a car that will last over 400,000km? US auto search engine iSeeCars analysed more than 402 million cars to determine which cars were most likely to continue operating up to at least 400,000km.
SUVs dominate the longest-lasting list, taking up 16 of the top 30 rankings, while Toyota is the most prominent brand, with nine models on the list. The most durable model, the Toyota Tundra, has a 36.6 per cent chance of reaching 250,000 miles.
Are noisy supercars keeping you awake at night? Are people thinking it’s OK to use your roads as their own private racetrack after 12pm? Well get your local fun police to run an intelligence-led operation to remove nuisance drivers like they did last week in Westminster, soap dodger land.
Local residents complained about boy and girl and other racers zooming around in McLarens, Bentleys, Rolls Royces, Ferraris and Lamborghinis. So, the local cops seized $12m worth of cars.
The bobbies also made five arrests, including for insurance fraud, using a mobile phone at the wheel, not using a seatbelt, driving without due care and poor taste in body and interior combinations.
This week this very paper ran a huge story headlined “Steer clear of drivers with bumper stickers – they could be psychopaths”.
With stickers like: Ask me about my lobotomy: Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket; Honk if you’d rather be watching the 1999 cinematic masterpiece The Mummy, starring Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz and Honk if any kids fall out – there’s no argument from us.
