Day One: Helsinki
Minus 20. So cold that the port had completely frozen and local punters were ice fishing and families were walking across the river vs getting the ferries which were stuck in the ice. We decided to go to the Zoo.
After extensive research it looked like the only tourist attraction apart from the mackerel factory. Hotel reception looked at us strangely when we asked directions. They said you know it is very cold outside and the zoo is on an island in the middle of the frozen sea. Ha Ha we said. We are Australians and we are off to the Artic tomorrow. This will be a walk in the park for us.
They had every right to be concerned. By the time we had walked over the 1 mile bridge to get us to the zoo we had stopped talking because our faces were so frozen. Minus 20 will do that to you. Of course there was a reason that we were the only visitors at the whole zoo. Tom’s face was completely drained of blood and I was sure I had frostbitten ears. But since all we had seen were empty cages with photos of animals on them we decided to press on.
We had begun to think that feeling this cold was not a good sign for our arctic holiday. We had thirty four layers of clothes on and the only topic of conversation was about the hot shower back at the hotel. Luckily we saw an emu and a kangaroo so were able to leave the zoo with our pride intact. We got the bus back. This was a leap of faith because we had no idea where it was going and despite what the guidebooks tell you no one spoke English.
Anyway we got off at the train station and began to walk. Tom was in very bad shape by now and I was reminded of the scene from Scott of the Antarctic where Scotts mate says I am just popping out for a while and never comes back. Luckily after an hour trekking around the dismal streets of Helsinki (highest suicide rate in the world..duh!!!) I lucked on our hotel.
Tom is still not able to talk and I think he has frostbite on three fingers because he took my work gloves vs snow and ice gloves.
The doctors say I should get the use of my hands back by late next week.
Day two: we travel to the Husky farm:
There’s nothing like a plane trying to take off after a snowstorm with the hostesses dressed like nuns. But that was just the start of fun on Day two of John and Tom’s excellent adventure in Finland.
Landing at Lapland airport with the pilot having to buzz the runway to get rid of some stray reindeer was fine as was the 150km drive north on the icy road. While it was a balmy minus 16 degrees we found out we had struck it lucky. The English waitress at the husky hamburger heaven we stopped at for a …you guessed it ..hamburger made out of reindeer meat….I didn’t have the heart to tell Tom it was one of Santa’s favourite friends he was eating.the waitress told me it was the first day she had seen the sun in two months.
Finland is famous for a lot of things…Nokia….Marimekko…..trees……well all sorts of things but food isn’t one of them. After ordering the hamburger we heard a very long banging noise for about 20 minutes from the kitchen. We took this to be the chef killing the reindeer on the spot…..and that’s what it tasted like. Luckily it came with fries and salad ..ie one piece of tomato with mayo on top.
Once we had been violently ill in the cute laplandish toilet we took to what passes for a road again. Pretty soon…two or three hours later we pulled up at the husky farm for a fitting……it has to be said the huskies didn’t look as cute as the brochure described and Tom…the only one who had read the contract now told me that there was a warning that the huskies bite and if they do it is wise to get a tetanus and rabies shot very quickly.
I tried to take heart from the fact one dog was called Bono till he growled at me with a look that said “wait till I get up close to you tomorrow”. Then we were driven to the Huskyland Hotel. I initially thought it was a museum but no such luck…….it’s been a long time since I thought a caravan was luxurious but I am back thinking that again. You know the Bates Motel in Pyscho?
Well the mother still lives on and is at reception at the Huskyland Hotel. If we survive the night and the next four nights camping out in the snow you will get another report. If not look on the news for a story entitled “headless bodies found outside old motel”.
Day Three: On the sleds
Did you know that in the artic circle the sun comes up at 11am and goes down at 2pm? So you may well ask what do you do the rest of the time given you are in the middle of forest and snow where the temperature is minus 100 on a sunny day and your only companions are five dogs.
Well at least I got four attractive ones but by tomorrow night the ugly one could be ok.
Despite the limitations of the sun our guides decided real men sled at night . Thundering through the dark holding on for grim death to a bamboo sled ha a lot of consequences not the least of which is your inability to see the flying number twos coming from running huskies. Talking of which trying do a number one has its risks.
Given they tell you not to expose your fingers because they will get frost bite and fall off it gives you second thoughts about getting your number one machine out and making the snow yellow. The alternative makes you feel warm for a while then quite sticky. Best solution is just not to go at all. Lets see how long Tom and I can hold out for .
Day Four: We see the planets
Nothing makes a day better than a good old dose of frost bite. Well day is an exaggeration because up here its the land of the midnight moon. Around 12 the sun pops its head up over the horizon says…quite sensibly..this is too cold..and goes back down at 1pm.
Anyway today…the day after the Scott of the Antarctic experience..it was moony and bright…relative to the black hole that is….but that was just nature’s funny old way of fooling you…..it was actually minus 30 before any wind chill. However real men or persons don’t worry about this an after another gourmet breakfast of beetroot, gherkin, black bread and dried reindeer…..it was onto the dog sled with six of nature’s finest pooing machines in front and off over the frozen tundra for another six hours of number twos in the face and extremities so cold that if they fell off I would have happily picked them up and given them to my favourite number two machine.
My dogs were all named after the planets so given all I have told you about their gastric systems guess what the name of my lead dog is? Yup. Uranus. So we pushed on…and push is right because most of the trip across the tundra was uphill and as you now know the huskies stop at a hill, look around and wait for you to push them up.
We have only seen two signs of wild life part from our guides, who would be right at home as the stars of Finland Chainsaw Massacre 3: the huskie chronicles. We saw three reindeer. Demonstrating my superior knowledge of the David Attenborough and Steve Irwin world I shouted to Tom…”look female reindeer they don’t have horns”. To which he replied in a gentle way “Dickhead. Both male and female reindeer have horns and both lose them this time of the year”.
Then we saw elk. I had just read a book…in fact the nights are so long I read three books before dinner last night….a book about the Itarod race in Alaska where complete idiots race dog sleds for 1280 miles. My book said the only thing to fear were moose which attacked and killed both the dogs and their drivers. Elk/Moose all the same to me so when I spotted our antlered friends I did what any red blooded adventurer would do and yelled “look out we’ll all be killed and lashed my dogs into a frenzy passing the other sleds, the Elk ,three reindeer and a Polis (as they called up here) car.
But no, Elk are timid creatures and all I managed to do was to cause my dogs to venture into a new sport called extreme number twos.
On the run home Tom was complaining about being cold particularly in his feet. As a good father I told him to man up and remember Scott (as you can see Scott is the only cold explorer I know) . When we hit the cabin Tom was diagnosed as having four toes with class three frostbite. If they turn black..choppie choppie as they say up here. Of course I only suffered class I frost bite which they tell me is all the rage in the better parts of Helsinki.
Day: Five
Scott of the Antarctic was a girly boy. When the going got tough he and his mates hopped in a tent, heated it up and then brought the dogs inside and ate them!
Yesterday it was blowing 100 knots it was minus 40 snowing and pitch black. Even our exposition leader Pasi who was the first Finn to ski to the South Pole unassisted said it was the worst day he has had in Finland . Did we stop? No! Why? Because they wouldn’t let us. I wanted to lie down in the snow and just stay there and let the dogs and others go by themselves. But what sort of model would that have been for my son? A very good model but I didn’t have the strength to let go the sled.
Now the thing you don’t know about driving a dog sled is that huskies don’t like going uphill. So when you get to a hill….and we only got to about a thousand during the blizzard …. You have to push the little bastards up…. How unfair is that? The other thing is that to help run into the wind you have to crouch down behind the sled with just your eyes poking over the sled…. Of course this puts you at exactly the same level as the huskies bottoms so when they let fly with a number two it heads straight for your eyes.
Talking of bottoms, last night it was so cold that when you went to the outside toilet and sat down your bottom stuck to the wooden seat. Tom has avoided this by not doing a number two all week. One of the nice things about this exposition is you don’t need to bring toiletries or towels …. Not because they provide them but because there are no showers and you never take your clothes off.
To sum up:
Yes it’s finally the day.
It’s the announcement of the Weekend Australian’s Sled Of The Year 2013 or SOTY. (Showing how base he is, editor Phil King wanted to name the competition Huskie Of The Year or HOTY.)
Anyway we know you’ve been putting off your purchase of a new dog sled till you saw the results of our weeklong tests just outside Hetta, way up in the Artic Circle. Hetta has a population of 800 people and 25,000 reindeer and a great Karaoke bar. If you’re up this way you first get liquored up at home (alcohol is very expensive in Scandinavia) and hit the bar at around midnight for a huge night of singing Finnish hits from the sixties and seventies (like Juice Leskinen’s ‘Viidestoista yö’ or Pelle Miljoona’s ‘Olen työtön’ – I am unemployed) and hoeing into reindeer burgers.
Supervising our tests to keep everything kosher was Finnish adventure legend Pasi Ikonen. Pasi, who skied unassisted to the South Pole for a bet, is the Chuck Norris of anything artic. As they say up here, Pasi Ikonen has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead; it’s just scared to move.
Testing the finalists, the Laughing Husky dog sled from Fairbanks, Alaska; the Bjorkis from Kiriung, Sweden and a Juha Peka original from Ivalo, Finland, was your correspondent and my youngest son Tom. We paid Pasi about $4,000 to take us out for four nights and five days. This included all meals; six dogs each, accommodation, blizzards, frostbite and all the gherkins, beetroot and dried reindeer meat you can eat.
As the sun comes up at 11am and goes down at 2pm we thought our testing hours would be limited. However our guides decided real testers sled at night. Thundering through the dark holding on for grim death to a light wooden sled has a lot of consequences not the least of which is your inability to see the flying number twos coming from running huskies. Talking of which, trying to do a number one has its risks. Given they tell you not to expose your fingers because they will get frost bite and fall off you do have second thoughts about making the snow yellow. The alternative makes you feel warm for a while then quite sticky. Best solution is just not to go at all.
I’m not saying conditions were tough but compared to us, Scott of the Antarctic was a girly boy. When the going got tough he and his mates hopped in a tent, heated it up and then brought the dogs inside and ate them. One day we had it blowing 100 knots, minus 40, snowing and pitch black. Even Pasi (who has already been to Mars, which is why there is no signs of life) said it was the worst day he has had in Finland. Did we stop? No! Why? Because Pasi wouldn’t let us. I wanted to lie down in the snow and just stay there and let the dogs and others go by themselves. But what sort of model would that have been for my son? A very good model but my fingers were frostbitten to the sled.
My dogs were all named after the planets so given all I have told you about their gastric systems guess what the name of my lead dog was? Yup. Uranus. After five days we were on the run home. Tom was complaining about being cold particularly in his feet. As a good father I told him to man up and remember Scott (as you can see Scott is the only cold explorer I know). When we hit Hetta Huskies base Tom was diagnosed as having four toes with Class Three frostbite. Of course I only suffered Class One frostbite, which they tell me is all the rage in the better parts of Helsinki.
Our 2013 sled of the year is the Bjorkis. It comes complete with two brakes and an anchor for around $1,000. But the real winner was us. For $4,000, Pasi and the team at Hetta Huskies (www.hettahuskies.com) gave us a once in a lifetime experience. This is the most fun you can have with your clothes, and all the clothes you can borrow, on.
Despite all this if you still want to go:
We researched this trip extensively. There are a lot of companies you could go with but to me Hetta Huskies is the only choice. Anna and Pasi love the dogs…most of the others run breeding farms. If you can get Pasi on your trip it is a real bonus. There’s not much he and Anna haven’t done.
The next thing is to understand it is really cold. I have used Icebreaker gear for a long time now and it is the best. It’s reasonably priced in the US but relatively expensive in Australia where I buy it…but worth it. Get your outerwear from Hetta…it’s free. Bring your own gloves…Black Diamond is the best. Bring plenty of hand and toe warmers. Lots of toe warmers. Wear three pairs of socks.
