Thanks for asking but we have to work over this Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and non (if you don't believe in anything, particularly electric cars). We will be sitting in the global HQ of the News Corp empire here in the colonies sharing the traditional lump of coal (we aren't scared or afraid) bringing cheer with exclusive stories of the worst cars of the year; the worst car jokes of the year; a Lambo not owned by a drug dealer and therefore not pink or yellow; the latest news on nunchaku prices and more in this world exclusive bumper edition of motoring in the business section.
Our favourite consumer mag, the soap dodger publication Which?, has just listed the UK's worst cars. Top of the list is one of my old fave's, the Alpine A110 ($110k), which owners say "breaks down a lot" and "when there's a problem its always big." The Alpine is made by Renault, which is a French company like Citroen (although it's now owned by the septics) whose C3 ($35k) ranks in the least loved cars. Why do French cars have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them. What do you call a Renault at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Also on the naughty list are the MGZS ($24k) and the Fiat 500 ($25k). What do you call a Fiat with dual exhausts? A wheelbarrow. Note to readers with kiddies, both the MG 5 ($27k) and Mahindra Scorpio ($45k) failed ANCAP's crash test.
If you are risk averse and want a car you can drive forever, buy a new or used Lexus (except the big SUV). Only half the warranty the soap dodger dealers will give you, but really you usually won't need much work done no matter how long you own the better Toyota.
Our favourite cars this year (and remember we pay to drive them all) are: the Ford Wildtrak (bottom line: if you have lots of ankle biters, four friends, pallets of Colombian marching powder and just want to cruise in comfort on any surface, I'd buy a Wildtrak); the Hyundai Kona, which the old bloke and I drove for three days looking over the Adelaide Rally course (bottom line: a real joy to drive, handles like a Porker, goes like a family car but don't pay more than $35k, Hyundai has done the post-Covid price jack); the Lotus Emira from Lotus Brisbane (I said – breathlessly – at the time: "the feeling you get when you're in Track mode, foot flat on the loud pedal, the tacho screaming in pain and the noise coming out the exhaust pipes popping your brain like Wagner does in the Ride of the Valkyries"); and of course the Chev Corvette, which is simply the best value supercar, bar none, on the Australian or any market today even at the highly inflated rip-off price you will have to pay and the time you will have to wait (PS: don't buy a white one, they look crook).
Talking of world exclusives, we can announce right here, right now that the Sydney Harbour Concours d'Elegance will be on an island! Not Australia but the World Heritage Cockatoo Island Convict Site somewhere in Sydney Harbour. Only one of two real Concours on a real island, the Sydney Harbour Concours is now part of the international circuit of competition of good looking cars. This year international judges will look over hyper machines such as the coal-fired Rolls-Royce Sceptre ($800k before on-road costs and tyres) and the Lamborghini Revuelto ($1m plus drive-away costs, but it does come with three electric motors and a naturally aspirated V12 and more than 750kw). Too late! Due to the worldwide recession and wars, it's sold out until 2026. Cockatoo Island will have a beautiful black one driving around.