Thanks for asking but we have to work over this Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and non (if you don’t believe in anything, particularly electric cars).
We will be sitting in the global HQ of the News Corp empire here in the colonies sharing the traditional lump of coal (we aren’t scared or afraid) bringing cheer with exclusive stories of the worst cars of the year; the worst car jokes of the year; a Lambo not owned by a drug dealer and therefore not pink or yellow; the latest news on nunchaku prices and more in this world exclusive bumper edition of motoring in the business section.
Our favourite consumer mag, the soap dodger publication Which?, has just listed the UK’s worst cars.
Top of the list is one of my old fave’s, the Alpine A110 ($110k), which owners say “breaks down a lot” and “when there’s a problem its always big”. The Alpine is made by Renault, which is a French company like Citroen (although it’s now owned by the septics) whose C3 ($35k) ranks in the least loved cars.
Why do French cars have heated rear windows? To keep your hands warm when you’re pushing them. What do you call a Renault at the top of a hill? A miracle.
Also on the naughty list are the MGZS ($24k) and the Fiat 500 ($25k). What do you call a Fiat with dual exhausts? A wheelbarrow. Note to readers with kiddies, both the MG 5 ($27k) and Mahindra Scorpio ($45k) failed ANCAP’s crash test.
If you are risk averse and want a car you can drive forever, buy a new or used Lexus (except the big SUV). Only half the warranty the soap dodger dealers will give you, but really you usually won’t need much work done no matter how long you own the better Toyota.
Our favourite cars this year (and remember we pay to drive them all) are: the Ford Wildtrak (bottom line: if you have lots of ankle biters, four friends, pallets of Colombian marching powder and just want to cruise in comfort on any surface, I’d buy a Wildtrak); the Hyundai Kona, which the old bloke and I drove for three days looking over the Adelaide Rally course (bottom line: a real joy to drive, handles like a Porker, goes like a family car but don’t pay more than $35k, Hyundai has done the post-Covid price jack); the Lotus Emira from Lotus Brisbane (I said – breathlessly – at the time: “the feeling you get when you’re in Track mode, foot flat on the loud pedal, the tacho screaming in pain and the noise coming out the exhaust pipes popping your brain like Wagner does in the Ride of the Valkyries, when the warrior sisters of Brunnhilde bear the heroes/ heroines and others slain in battle to Valhalla”); and of course the Chev Corvette, which is simply the best value supercar, bar none, on the Australian or any market today even at the highly inflated rip-off price you will have to pay and the time you will have to wait (PS: don’t buy a white one, they look crook).
Talking of world exclusives, we can announce right here, right now that the Sydney Harbour Concours d’Elegance will be on an island! Not Australia but the World Heritage Cockatoo Island Convict Site somewhere in Sydney Harbour. Only one of two real Concours on a real island, the Sydney Harbour Concours is now part of the international circuit of competition of good looking cars that refers to an event where prestigious vehicles are displayed and judged. It dates back to “17th century France (pre-Renault and Citroen), where aristocrats paraded horse-drawn carriages in the parks of Paris during summer weekends and holidays”. Nothing’s changed except for the horses and the carriages are paraded at parks like the Concorso d’Eleganza Villa d’Este, the Pebble Beach Golf Club, Amelia Island and Hilton Head.
This year international judges will look over hyper machines such as the coal-fired Rolls-Royce Sceptre ($800k before on-road costs and tyres) and the Lamborghini Revuelto ($1m plus drive-away costs, but it does come with three electric motors and a naturally aspirated V12 and more than 750kw). Too late! Due to the worldwide recession and wars, it’s sold out until 2026. Cockatoo Island will have a beautiful black one (same colour as my V8 ute) driving around.
Even if you hate cars you need to get the ferry and eat some of the food from celebrity chef Sean Connelly (no relation so no free meals), drink some of the Champagne Pommery (the Bugatti of the sparkling invented by the Benedictine monks in the Abbey of Saint-Hilaire at the same time as the aristocrats were parading horse-drawn carriages in the parks of Paris), and look at the Australian nouveau riche parading around in their finest schmutter (as we say at the Kensi: better nouveau riche than never riche at all).
Johnny, forget Lambo prices, tell us what’s happening on the nunchaku index. Thanks for the question reader 4, JP, our youth adviser from the village better known as Perth.
Readers and one friend, the nunchaku index is out of control. Our friends at Julien’s Auctions just sold Bruce Lee’s Screen-Used “Fist of Fury nunchaku” for $250,000 or eight times estimate! This pair of grey, bubble-grip nunchaku personally owned and screen-used by Lee in the film Fist of Fury features 13 metal chain links connecting two lightweight wooden batons covered in bubbled grey rubber. Bruce used this very distinctive pair of bespoke nunchaku extensively during Fist of Fury’s unforgettable climactic fight sequence, where his character, Chen Zhen, goes one-on-one with Japanese sword-master Hiroshi Suzuki. Investors, forget old Feezers and put the hard-earned into nunchaku futures.
So far three times more Australians have died on the roads this year than died in the Vietnam War. If men, women and children were dying in a war or gangland shootouts or from Covid, it would be front page news with calls for a royal commission. But no one apart from the families and relatives and Highway Patrol and paramedics really care. The bottom line is there are no accidents and we should be stopping this slaughter. But no votes in that.
So, this festive season when the coppers pull you over, instead of thinking up lame excuses, say thank you officer and thank you for your service.
Anyway, Happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and non from the Mick and me and see you next Saturday.