If you are the owner of a 2017 to 2021 Model S or Model X, no noise, no petrol, range-anxiety vehicle, you’re in for a free software upgrade (aka recall). Twenty readers, one friend, in the will son and Dr Tim Cooper (more on him later), I’m really ashamed but this gives me a fantastic excuse to dump all my really crook Tesla jokes on you. And make an earth-shattering admission.
Jokes like: What is the difference between a Tesla and a porcupine? Porcupines have all their pricks on the outside; What do you call a criminal driving a Tesla? A Joule Thief; I walked into the Tesla dealership and asked them how much they charge; In 2025 Tesla will make an Apple brand electric car. Am just wondering if the car will have windows?; Why did the electric car finish the race early? It had a short circuit; Dyson is planning to release an electric car by 2020. I bet they’ll suck. Sorry.
Anyway, the Minister for Transport Catherine King, titular head of the Recall Department of the great Albanese Government of the World’s Greatest Country, has issued an edict stating that “due to a recently changed software calibration issue, the electronic power-assist steering system in Teslas may not operate as intended”.
With due respect to Cathy (or Kingy as we call her around the halls of the Australian Parliament House – that looks more like the original Berlin Anhalter Bahnhof designed in 1872 by architect Frank Heinrich Schwechten and is located in that Disneyland for adults where day-to-day life is played out in a perfect urban environment much like that of Seahaven in The Truman Show) who I really like and admire, particularly for her roles as Minister for Road Safety in 2013 and her role and service on the Public Accounts and Audit Committee for eight years from the turn of the century – she got it wrong.
What the recall should say is that Tesla’s software stuff-up will in turn stuff up the steering, which means that you and the other dopes in your EVs could have a prang and seriously die. In Australia if you are driving a steeringless model, you are one of a thousand. If you live in Trumpville, you’re one of 40,000. Just two months ago, the mainly Elon Musk-owned company, recalled nearly 1.1 million US EVs because the windows could cut off your fingers. Most of you know Elon (51, of Austin, Texas) as the richest person in this or any other world. Of course, you know he owns SpaceX, the Boring Company, Nueralink, Open AI and Twitter. But he also has 10 kids, wants to terraform Mars with atomic weapons, a Dad who killed three armed men who broke into their family home, and likes to simplify life by having an on-and-off girlfriend with one name. Grimes.
So apart from letting you know, that if you drive one of the Teslas mentioned, you are probably only a turn of the useless steering wheel away for death, or worse, I did want to shock (yup, a pun!) you by telling you that next week I am doing an extended test of a 2022 Tesla Model X, while waiting for the Adelaide Rally to start.
Of course, you’re thinking there goes John again, drinking too many Coopers to help out Dr Tim Cooper, who last week put out an urgent cri du coeur for Australians to (well, can I be frank among friends?), to get back on the piss. We’re renting the Tesla from our friends at Hertz at full freight and have committed to return it with an empty tank. Now, you’re saying driving a Tesla around Adelaide would be about as enjoyable as having a prostate exam by a Lexus-driving proctologist with fat fingers but I’m prepared to take an unbiased test drive and report back next Saturday.
As we say when we broadcast from our office in the alfresco dining area, with full table service, comfortable furnishings and a relaxed vibe at the Kensi: We report. You decide.
In other news your WART team performed consistently at last weekend’s MX-5 Cup, letting the two Herring brothers and 11 other drivers take the first 13 spots. In other bad racing news Todd Herring is teaming up with his 15-year-old son in this weekend’s Winton 300. Soon every race car field will only have drivers named Herring. Don’t forget to come by and see the old bloke and me at the Adelaide Rally this week. Mick admitted he had the collywobbles about getting back into the hills but as he always says: “The drinks are on you”.
Shannons Spring Auction ended with 202 sold and 38 passed in. Stars of the show were: licence plate NSW 92 bringing $1.2m, a very pretty 1934 Packard Twelve 1107 Dietrich Convertible Victoria for $330k, and a guards red 1997 Porsche 911 (993) Carrera S Coupe for $303k. None compared with Julien’s Auctions getting $730k for Kurt Cobain’s 1989 stage-played, smashed and signed “Throw My Ass in Jail” 1973 Fender Mustang electric guitar used on Nirvana’s first US Tour.