Yes, many Australians are doing it tough.
Every day they have to make a choice between feeding the kiddies, paying an obscene mortgage or rent instalments, dying from cold because the energy company has shut off the power – which means the Tesla is stuck under the porte-cochere and carport till the electricity comes back on (remember 20 readers: if your car porch is attractive, people will definitely love your place), and the Hyundai will stay parked on the lawn because who can afford petrol particularly when it’s $2.51 a litre in Alice Springs?
So, after consulting with the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-caring Sultan (of Kensi) about this issue (and the Sultan himself has more issues than Vogue – part of our multimedia and AI global platform), our advice to readers is tell the poor people to get stuffed and buy yourself a membership (starting at $150k) at Club Moolah (sorry) Moolia, the Asia-Pacific’s first and/or finest automotive country club which is outside Perth.
Anyway, Club Moolia comes complete with a “Formula One-inspired 4.1km state-of-the-art circuit with 17 turns, FIA-approved design, digital marshals flanked by CCTV, a lagoon designed by Crystal Lagoons, a first-class sports academy and artificial intelligence, which looks after climate-controlled garages for up to 150 customer vehicles”.
Before we go on, I know you have been hearing a bit about AI. So, on your behalf, once again I consulted the Oracle of Stepney, who sagely said: “Don’t worry about it. AI will never replace managers, politicians, public servants or journalists because it’s not designed to be useless.”
All distances in Western Australia are measured from a single central point – the global HQ of Wesfarmers on the Terrace. From there it’s 97km or a bit over an hour to Moolia central.
Now unlike the other three private racetracks being built in Australia, CM has no overnight accommodation. For instance, the Blackrock Motor Park at Lake Macquarie in NSW will have a world-class 5.35km driving circuit, a 100-seat restaurant, a 150-person function space, 37 units for short-term accommodation, another 64 member-dedicated units, a gym and swimming pool, but no AI.
But who cares. Public racecourses are dropping faster than green grass through a goose so we need the capitalists to step up and enable us to continue to enjoy the bare necessities of life.
Don’t waffle around, get straight on Kayo for this weekend’s Belgium GP. You know who’s going to win and maybe win every race this season.
No matter how the F1 spins it, Hungary was boring. The three drivers, Norris, Perez and Hamo, were up to 40 seconds behind and Oscar of Australia led the rest of the pack over a minute back.
And in the drivers’ championship Max is over 100 points ahead. No matter. The Hamster has probably signed a new contract with Mercedes, our own Honey Badger is driving like the rest of his career depends on it, which it does, and next year all 10 F1 teams will have one driver and their livery on one car competing in the all-female racer series.
And while they are slow on the track, the Fezzer company has yet another film coming out about it. Next month, Ferrari premiers at the Venice Film Festival. “Set during the summer of 1957, ex-Formula 1 racer Enzo Ferrari is in crisis. Bankruptcy stalks the company he and his wife, Laura, built from nothing 10 years earlier.
“He wagers all in a roll of the dice on one race, the treacherous 1000-mile race across Italy, the iconic Mille Miglia.” Adam Driver and Penny Cruz are the stars but at least it has one proper driver, Porsche racer and accomplished juggler Patrick Dempsey.
And don’t forget two important motor racing events coming up. Next weekend it’s the Australian Production Car Series, which unfortunately is held in enduro format, meaning each race is an hour long. Your correspondent will be there under the careful gaze of race coach to the stars Phil Alexander. It’s broadcast live on Stan, which is definitely not part of our multimedia empire.
One week later, in the Club Moolia of Queensland, the town of Leyburn, 200km from the Wesfarmers of the moonshine state, Domino’s Pizza, on the Kingsford Smith Tce in Brissie, is the heavily publicised (by me) Leyburn Sprints.
Entrants will soon be announced but we can exclusively reveal that starting outside the Royal Hotel and trying to avoid an unintentional dip in the school swimming pool at 34 Peters St (Readers, here’s a hot tip! Outside race day hop over to the pool for thong throwing, noodle races and bomb dives. You won’t get that in the crystal pools at Club Moolia) are Lambo and Audi and everything else. Champion Paul Stokell, who will be in a Radical (from $55k from Garth Walden and cheap as chips … well given inflation that’s probably literally true); last year’s winner Dean Amos is back again in a Gould GR55B, which looks and goes like an F1 car; first of the losers, Warwick Hutchinson, who owns Ultimate Power Steering, is seeking revenge in another soap dodger hill climber, a Lambo Orange OMS28; and our favourite driver (because she’s president of the whole show and you have to suck up to her) Tricia Chant in her Trans Am-winning Mustang. Watch for one Michael McMichael and his young son in a Beemer.
Finally, our transport of the week is the 1970 Tupolev A-3 Aerosledge. Nothing says I’m not an orange Lambo-driving drug dealer more than turning up to Club Moolia in a Tupolev.
Designed by the Ruskies to collect cosmonauts when they crashed down in Siberia, this top-secret N007 vessel was designed to skim over water, ice and marsh by means of its wing-shaped profile and massive rear-facing prop but turned out to be too small to fit a cosmo in the cockpit (oops) but he/she or other could be strapped outside.
Hyman in St Louis tells me just mention Club Moolia, the Sultan and Tricia Chant and it’s yours for a lazy $300k.