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ou don’t want to be the lost sock in the laundromat of life this Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, urisumasu ni wa kentakkii (Kentucky Fried Christmas, Japan) or Newtonmas, so what passes for a team here have put together an early present list that is guaranteed to have your family enthusiastically looking for the next handout.

Of course the old bloke, who has now agreed to play Santa at the Kensi’s Christmas eve panto and hazy beer night (for only $50 you get a pint of each of the featured beers, plus a plate of delicious Cajun Wings, plus the Corner Bar panto starring three of the hotel cleaners who can’t sing or dance, performing with no scenery and no music, plus the chance to sit on Santa’s knee … conditions apply), has two new books out.

Twenty readers, one family member and one friend, you loved his bestseller from last year, “Sex in a car park – why it’s wrong on so many levels”, so get in quick for autographed copies of “Manifold Destiny: Christmas cooking on your car engine” and “The Magical World of Rectal Probes”. Yes, the Sultan Santa will be happy to both sign copies and have you sit on his knee (conditions apply) at our works tent at Classic Adelaide, starting November 25.

Talking of spies (and aren’t we all these days), register today for Julien’s Auctions: KGB spies, space exploration and Las Vegas casinos on Monday. Thinking about getting engaged? Why not spend $12k on Soviet KGB spy miniature camera designed to look like a ring? That way you can keep an eye on your loved one while professing everlasting trust. Every child would love a March 1990 Playperson mag with an autographed pic of Donald Trump on the front cover and a bonus section on the hottest, sexiest cars of 1990 ($2.5k).

The sexiest cars of this year were definitely at the Concorso d’Eleganza Villa d’Este at Cernobbio. Started 92 years ago when the old bloke had just begun secondary school, this year’s Trofeo BMW Group best of show winner was Brian Ross’s 1956 Ferrari 250 GT Tour de France. Brian owns property developer, Ross Development in Cortland, Ohio and handily for a Feezer collector, also owns Ferrari of Vancouver, the only Feezer dealer in town. (State-of-the-art featuring three floors, a vehicle display elevator, sleek contemporary European architecture and a glass exterior.)

Apart from population, Cortland (7104) and Cernobbio (7059), the two towns would seem to have little in common. Cortland has Roller Rink, offering a classic experience of donning skates or blades, weaving around a slick wood floor rink and enjoying some pizza and slushies. Just a couple of miles away, Cortland Lanes bowling alley keeps skating’s throwback compatriot alive with parties, leagues and LED-lit midnight bowling. And talk about restaurants. There’s Pizza Joe’s. Jacked Steakhouse and The Underground Lounge.

Cernobbio on Lake Como has the UNESCO listed Villa d’Este and about five similar, five of the world’s most luxurious hotels and five Michelin-starred restaurants. None sell pizza.

But because of Brian, Corland has more Fezzers than Cernobbio. He has maybe 13 including a 1957 Ferrari 335 Sport Scaglietti he paid $40m for in 2016. Brian keeps them in his house, which includes an in-home diner, a cinema complete with ticket kiosk, theatre doors and lobby display posters, including vintage one-sheets for Jaws and the original Star Wars, an indoor swimming pool with waterfall and two expansive climate-controlled garages filled with vintage Ferraris.

Before we get onto the point of all this can I just point out Brian also owns one of two 1955 Ferrari 410 sports. It was built for Juan-Manuel Fangio to drive in 1955’s La Carrera Panamericana, but the Mexico 3000km event was cancelled because of prior fatalities. Fangio and Eugenio Castellotti raced the car in the ’56 Buenos Aires 1000km, where its transaxle broke. Hard to value but sold for $30m seven years ago.

On the other hand, it’s hard to recommend the Lambo SUV, the Urus. Remember a few weeks ago when I called the Mitsubishi Pajero a Nissan? This is probably because Pajero in Spanish means person who masturbates. Or the Ford Kuga, which means black death in Slovenian and Serbo-Croatian. Or the Mazda Titan Dump, the Ford Probe and Mazda Bongo Friendee. Imagine a night at the Kensi, you’ve just picked up your new Lambo. You walk into the Corner Bar and yell: “Who want to see my Urus?’’

Now in other big news I still back Lou to win the F1 gong. Back in Austin after an extended break the course favours the Mercs (even without V8s but buy the Merc V8 SUV v the Urus) in a straight line. Mad Max should take it in Mexico, then the next four should be Hamo’s. And we’ve made Merc the official car V8 car supplier to the Kensi, which means Coopers will be changing all their fleet of cars and trucks to Mercedes.

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