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Tired of your money sitting on its backside struggling to get past 2.5 per cent? Want an ethical, green, carbon-neutral, minimal vegan footprint but still want to be surrounded by beautiful metal? Impossible?

You said that when Evel Knievel claimed he would jump over a tank containing 13 man-eating sharks. Well, he nearly made it.

Friends, your best investment this or any other year is a child’s pedal car. Yes, the old tin cars that didn’t have brakes so you had to attempt to stop going downhill at 330km/h with the pedals, thus breaking the legs of a generation of kiddies, are now the hottest items at real car auctions.

Last Sunday, at Shannons Sydney Classic Auction, even the very loquacious, celebrity gavel gun Ross Johnston (trainer of the mighty Caulfield Bears and trainer/assistant coach of the legendary Glen Iris Gladiators) was silenced by the rush of internet bids for the kiddies 1940s Chev ($2100, against a high estimate of $600), the 1940s red Cyclops trike with matching sidecar ($2250, against a high estimate of $800) and the 1950s Austin J40 ($4600). A 2.6kw petrol-powered Ford Model T brought $3100.

None of this would surprise pedal car pervs. In 2010 Bertoia Auctions sold a 1925 American National Deluxe Coupe pedal car with enclosed cab, opening doors, nickel-plated grille, electric lights, opening rear boot, disc wheels, hard rubber tyres, and upholstered door panels for $62k.

Two years later, Bertoia sold a smick, 1925 Gendron Pioneer Line Packard painted in orange with red striping, red fenders and disc wheels, rear seats featuring full covering, dummy lights on a bar with licence plate, and the piece de resistance, a rear rumble seat that folds open to expose the seat, for $27K.

At this year’s Monaco auction, Bonhams sold a petrol-powered 1980 Bugatti Type 55 kid’s car for $15k. At Brightwells sale of the low-value bits of the Jaguar Land Rover collection, a vintage Blower Bentley pedal car fetched $4218, while the electric version made $14,414.

If you are buying a historic pedal car for your kiddies and want them to mix with the right set, then lay out $5k for a 1949 Austin J40 so that young Muhammad or Rainbow can be one of the 53 seven-year-olds in the Le Mans start Goodwood Revival’s Settrington Cup pedal car race in September.

In the real car department at the lovely Rosehill racecourse last Sunday, where there were some very serious hot rods on display, my pick, the 1973 Volvo P1800 ES, jumped $8k on estimate to bring $38k. A US buyer bought the 2003 Harley 100th anniversary edition for $13,500, every Holden from an FJ on brought $35k-plus, and the barn find XK120 Jag soared $28k over the high estimate to $128k. Some, like the 1962 Cooper S, at $36k, sold below estimate. Others, like the 1972 Dino and 1984 De Tomaso, were passed in. As usual at Shannons, numberplates were the stars with NSW 201 bringing $222k.

Of course, in the “Holy Contributing to the Delinquency of Minors!” department, Argyll Restor­ations’ David and Andrew Cox will be revealing their replica of the original 1966 TV Batmobile in Perth this weekend. Like the original Bat­mobile, the Cox’s is constructed on a modified 1955 Lincoln concept car. Unlike the original, the replica won’t be selling for $5 million. Dave learned his skills in Scotland in 1961 while helping prepare the Jaguar Ecuria Ecosse team for the Le Mans 24-hour race in France.

Talking of money, this was the first year for a long time your WART team missed the Shitbox Rally. This was probably the reason the 550 persons of all sexes who drove the 3800km from Brissie to Darwin (if you are in the Top End you have to drop in to Crocosaurus Cove in the middle of town to see why swimming in the Northern Territory is not a great idea) raised nearly $2m for the Cancer Council. Don’t despair, we will be back in 2019 for the 10-day Perth-to-­Sydney-via-Uluru funfest. The other rally that Michael McMichael and I are preparing for is the Rob Garnsworthy-organised London-to-Sydney run in 2020. Rob tells me there will be a group of 10- 15 pre-1980 cars, including classic Bentleys and a pre-1980 Ford ute.

Talking of the drives of the century, let’s not quibble about which Australian did us most proud: Danny Ricciardo winning the Monaco GP despite being 25km/h off the pace down the straight or Will Power winning the Indy 500. Of course, competitors and critics have tried to downplay Dan’s win by talking about how boring the race through the narrow streets of tax evaders’ heaven is, but the reality is on lap 28 of the 78-lap event he lost seventh and eighth gear and showed Schuey levels of skill to win. I think Toowoomba’s Will Power’s $3.3m win was the greatest. The 37-year-old father of one and renowned mooner is the first Australian to win America’s greatest race. Named after his ­motorbike-racing great grandfather, Will has won 34 Indy car races, had 54 poles and one start at the Brickyard.

Will won on emotion. Passing the chequered flag he screamed to the world over his radio “show me respect mothertruckers”.

Now, in the saddest story of the week, our very own royal portrait painter, brain surgeon and nude faith healer, Michael McMichael, is in terrible straits following the free beer night at the favoured venue of the Windsors in Australia (Adelaide’s Kenso Hotel). Yes, readers, you missed it. The Kenso put on free drinks to mark the opening of the new Meghan and Harry bar and Michael is on his self-enforced, alcohol-free, weight- loss month. On the phone last night, Mick quoted Jimmy’s brother Billy Carter saying, “Paintings are like beer, only beer tastes good, and it’s hard to stop drinking beer.”

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