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Home  /  October 2022  /  Comment

Suck eggs poor people.

As we sit on the highest point of Mount Thor (the mountain with the earth’s greatest vertical drop at 1250m) looking down as the Laestrygonians (a race of cannibalistic giants around the time of Homer … (famous people only had one name then, much in the manner of famous people today like XXXTentacion, Eminem, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Albo, Madonna, Swanny, Cher, Liberace, The Sultan and Scomo) as they prepare to devour (this is a metaphor for the great economic tsunami coming next year) all persons including and below upper middle class.

Of course for the small number of us left – including the 20 readers, one friend and eldest son who is not so sure he wants to be in the will if he has to keep reading this column – our friends in the car industry have us covered.

(Speaking of subscription benefits, this beats Lehmann’s super wine offers hands down … don’t forget you can subscribe or give a gift sub that includes full digital access plus The Weekend Australian delivered, The Australian Plus member benefits program and survival for you and the fam, if you wish, after the coming great tidal wave of 99 per cent unemployment, 30 per cent interest rates, the Chinese, Russian, US, Truss-free England Armageddon, the collapse of all business – except those owned by very rich persons and Weekend Australian subscribers).

First up are the soap dodgers. Sorry, Rolls Royce is actually owned by the Erics at BMW. No love for Trussville then. Beemer has just announced it’s stopping UK production of the 40,000 electric Minis and, instead, making them in China.

Anyway, the Roller company, which made really crook and unreliable cars after the second big one till the Erics got hold of them, has launched an electric cruise ship on wheels – the Sceptre – which can be yours for slightly less than a mill and, for the time being, will still be made in England.

Now I know RR boss Torsten Muller-Otvos (a lad from Birmingham?) shocked you when he said: “By the end of 2030 we will no longer be in the business of producing internal combustion engines. The future is right here, right now” (note to PR and advertising agencies: can you stop using the lyrics from Fatboy Slim’s 1999 hit).

But Chuck Rolls’ (balloonist, 11th person in the world to die in an air crash, 145 years old, formerly of Berkely Square) desperate desire was to make EVs.

In an exclusive interview over the physic web, Torso told me: “Our customers are extraordinary people who live extraordinary lives. They are smart entrepreneurs, clever businesspeople, and connoisseurs of taste; and they are looking for deeper, more meaningful experiences with their brands of choice”.

But just as I was about to vomit, he uttered these extraordinary words: “Silicon Valley has shown us its notion of the motor car of the future, and it’s horrible: little, utilitarian, self-driving bubbles — the ultimate commoditisation of personal mobility, dumbed down and, frankly, boring. The future of luxurious private transport cannot be shaped like a plastic cookie-cutter commodity”.

Better choice is the 2023 Zenvo starting around $2m. Zenvo boss Jens Sverdrup (a lad from Marrickville) says the hypercar will be powered by a V12 engine and electric drive-train with twin electric turbochargers producing north of 1100KW. A crook choice for those who unfortunately like South Yarra taxis is the equally unfortunately named 2023 Ferrari Purosangue: $750k no more to pay.

“The Purosangue is a sports car, something unique and distinctive, which is uncompromised on design and engineering,” Ferrari boss, Benedetto Vigna (a Scottish lad?) told me over the telex. “Other SUVs have high performances, but do not drive like sports cars.”

Sorry Ben. Readers, do yourself a favour and buy a red Porker Cayenne GTS and save $500k. The Purosangue, named after the Caroma Puro toilet suite, has rear-hinged suicide back doors, a carbon-fibre roof with an optional glass sunroof, an optional bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Sun Tan Oil and sensibly, a 6.5-litre naturally aspirated V12 pumping out 533kW.

So far this year Aussies have bought over 32,000 Chinese cars compared with 1800 six years ago. And more apologies on our speed camera expose but the MX-5 cup preparation (which really paid off with a stunning 18th and the Herrings only taking the top four positions despite having five cars running and the upcoming speed limited Adelaide Rally) have slowed us up.

Anyway, when our special report hits the newsstands, we’ll be talking about the company you never heard of, Acusensus, which shares speed and mobile phone camera solutions with our old friends Redflex.

It was founded in 2018 by Alexander Jannink. Alex was at Redflex for 11 years.

In Victoria your contributions to the capitalist system come courtesy of soap dodger company Serco.

According to the Guardian, in 2016, Serco was vying for the label of Britain’s most-reviled company.

It was in the dock for having overcharged the Ministry of Justice tens of millions of pounds for electronically tagging offenders, some of whom were dead or still in prison; its shares were in free fall and it was barred from winning new government work.

But who cares? In 2019, the Victorian Department of Justice and Community Safety gave Serco a contract for up to 10 years to continue operating the speed camera program across Victoria. Last year, Serco’s boss, Rupert Soames, grandson of Winnie Churchill, took home $7m.

This month the NSW government bowed to pressure from our own Daily Tele and will reinstate warning signs for speed cameras next year. Newcastle NSW MP, Tim Crakanthorp, says the backflip is because the current government is ‘seeing an election come up, and they’re doing a backflip’. “We seeing this backflip because it’s just a cash grab, but it doesn’t really instil confidence in the government’s decision making process.” Good on you Timmy.

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