Home  /  April 2024  /  Comment

And the working model of the Hoke’s Random Excuse Generator Machine goes to .....

The Aston Martin team, for defending Lance Strulovitch, 25, aka Lance Stroll, a Canadian and Belgian citizen living in gnome land whose dad, Larry, has made $6bn in the schmutter business with the help of Hong Kong knitwear billionaire Silas Chou.

Larry more or less owns Aston Martin, which last year lost $460m and had a handy $1.5bn of debt. No wonder the Aston Martin share price has halved over the last year.

Last week Lance ran up the back of Daniel Joseph Ricciardo, AM, 34, who has houses in Los Angeles, Monaco, Perth, and Dubai topped with a statue of him leaping into a Monte Carlo pool.

Just before we go on, let’s keep the gossip going. 

Anyway, Dan’s plus-one at the moment is Heidi Bergher, 27, a well known thespian in movies such as Onde Esta Elisa and Trakehnerblut (which I think are so crook even SBS doesn’t show them).

But wait there’s even more patriotic fervour I can wrangle out of this trivia.

Lance has a sister, the Canadian chanteuse Chloe Stroll. Guess who her plus-one is? No idea? It’s four-time Olympian and Warrandyte lad, snowboarding legend and master of the cab 1440 stalefish Scotty James. And guess who is Scotty’s besty? Daniel Joseph Ricciardo.

So, no talkies at the Stroll/James/Ricciardo fibro homes with Aussie Outdoor all-steel carports this week. (Aussie make a choice of powder-coated aluminium, or galvanised steel frames that would suit every Maria, Christina, Angus and Mark – not to mention his brother Pete Burrows who reportedly just took delivery of a million-dollar Feezer despite the useless warranty.)

Let’s go to the replay of the restart of the Commo Grand Prix. It all happened on lap 36 going into the hairpin.

Seven cars bunched up after Ferdy Alonso, the world’s most mature F1 driver, had a lockup.

At this very moment Leaping Lance was looking at his Waze to see where the best way around the traffic was when, wooshka, he hit the rear of Danny’s Visa Cash Machine Honda-powered ATM so hard that the whole of the back of the ATM left the ground.

So, despite Lance slamming into the back of Danny, Lance blames the Australian and indeed all Australians (except those who drive EVs) saying: “This idiot just slammed on the brakes.”

Danny, well known for his use of Chaucerian English, simply said: “I got fudging hit.” Followed by “I’m doing my best not to say what I want to say but fudge that guy – and I’m being nice still. But if that’s what he thinks, I’m like … yeah.”

Drive journalist Elizabeth Blackstock said it best: “It’s time for Lance Stroll’s F1 experiment to end.

“We’ve seen a long string of bad behaviour from the Canadian driver, often followed by him avoiding any blame.

“Rumours have persisted for months that Lawrence Stroll is always open to selling Aston Martin to the highest bidder, which could nix his son from the Formula 1 driver pool and open up a seat to a genuinely talented racer.

“However, the Stroll money can afford a seat on plenty of lower-tier F1 teams. The only way we see the Canadian truly out of the sport is if he or his father definitively decide that Lance’s F1 experiment has failed – a decision that can’t come soon enough.”

Anyway, as usual, you read it here first but Adrian Newey, the greatest Formula 1 designer and a chief architect of Red Bull’s title global dominance, is leaving the fizzy drink team because of the alleged Christian Horner sexting scandal.

And the Henry Hoke Electrician’s Trouser Snake (a must have in every toolbox) award goes to the Ferrari F1 team.

Having given up on trying to make their cars go faster using mechanical methods, the geniuses have decided to try putting their drivers in different coloured racing suits for next week’s Miami GP. Who cares if everyone associates Feezer with Red, if Brocky got faster with crystals then imagine what baby bum blue could do for our handling?

Speaking to this column live and exclusively through both the Michael McMichael ouija board and the annual report, Enzo Ferrari, 126, of petrolhead heaven told me: “The value of our brand and our ability to achieve premium pricing for Ferrari-branded products may decline if we are unable to maintain the value and image of the Ferrari brand.

“The prestige, identity, and appeal of the Ferrari brand depends in part on the success of our racing activities; in particular, we are focused on improving the results of our Scuderia Ferrari racing team in the Formula 1 World Championship and restoring our historical position as the premier racing team in Formula 1.”

Enzo also commented on our readers’ problems with their Ferrari Romas: “Any product defects or any other failure of our performance cars to perform as expected could harm our reputation and result in adverse publicity, lost revenue, delivery delays, product recalls, product liability claims, harm to our brand and reputation, and significant warranty and other expenses, and could have a material adverse impact on our business, operating results and financial condition.”

I guess this is a different Ferrari in Australia but they do have a problem with Australian Consumer Law as the ACCC explains: “The dealer cannot avoid providing a remedy merely because the problem occurred … after the expiry of the manufacturer’s three-year warranty period.

“If the defect is a manufacturing defect, then the consumer may reject the vehicle and ask whoever supplied the vehicle (eg, the dealer) to provide the consumer’s choice of a repair, replacement or refund under the consumer guarantee provisions, regardless of whether the warranty has expired.” More to come on Ferrari/Porsche and Hyundai.

Car boat of the day is the Fiat’s new 4.7m Offshore based on the Fiat 500, one prang and you’re dead, car.

Every boat comes with a digital dashboard, stereo system, fog lights and a sunshade.

Don’t pay $160k. Mention The Weekend Australian at Positano Boats for a 45 minute Amalfi Coast tour with English and Italian-speaking skipper (Ed Smith), Italian champagne, beach towels and music, Nearer My God to Thee. $240 no more to pay.

[email protected]



Support great journalism and subscribe 

Recent articles from this author

Article Search

Related articles