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Ho, Ho. Ho etc. Let’s get straight to the Weekend Australian motoring column in the business section’s Christmas, Hanukkah – or whatever you’re celebrating – gift suggestions.

Remember, the best part with our gifting (any transfer to an individual, where full consideration, measured in money or money’s worth, is not received in return) ideas, is you don’t have to give them to others; you are welcome to keep them for yourself!

Of course, the main criteria we use here is that any gift should make a statement about you, your values, your mission, your purpose and what you really stand for.

That’s why our first set of toys are big and noisy. Like the V8 engine BBQ Grill by Hot Rod Grills, or from Summit Racing, or from Australia’s own Gasmate V8 Grill. They’re all less than a grand. Imagine it’s Xmas or Hanukkah day. The family and the other freeloaders in your life have all come to your joint for your annual surf and turf barbie. Instead of the Jumbuck 32cm Portable Charcoal Grill BBQ you bought five years ago at Bunnings for $19.98 you roll out a full-sized, gas powered V8 aluminium 500kw donk with zoomie-style headers that smoke while you cook, have chrome air cleaner and accessories, dual temperature controls, electronic ignition and a manual you’ll obviously ignore because real readers and one friend never RTFM. Snags and mullet have never tasted so good.

Doesn’t do it for you?

What about one of 25 Jaguar V12 “Symphony” engine tables? Only $10k from the UK Supercar Store. No price on their Bentley Continental W12 engine coffee table but the Ferrari office chairs made with genuine Ferrari seats are a steal at $1k-plus per seat. Or when you hand out the bevvies (hot tip: hide the good stuff in the broom closet and pump out the Moonshiners Whiskey – $39.95 or the Bowler’s Run Shiraz – $3.19) pumped out of the Godinger Gas Pump Liquor Dispenser ($144). It looks like an old-fashioned petrol bowser but you fill the tank with your favourite liquor and pump it through the hose into the plastic tumblers.

Is it just you two or three on Chrissie day? Want to set the mood for a bit of romancing and a bit of dancing. Look no further. Car Person Candles are made by Gorilla Candles and with scents like racing fuel and burnt rubber they can make your home, office, workshop, and more smell like your favourite racetrack or car exhaust. And for only $26! Talk about the smells of love.

Look, too many votes not to suggest the Porsche Wanker T Shirt from our mate Andrew Whyment at Piston Graphics. For $40 you can tell your Porker-driving friends (like me) what you really think of them.

Are you a tradie looking for a bit of Yuletide action? Can’t miss with the Gard Summer Waves Inflatable Truck Bed Pool. Put the pool on the bed of your pick-up truck, inflate the rings, fill the pool with water, and you can have a mobile pool wherever your truck goes. $200 bucks. Truck not included.

Family fun from carpooltables.com. Ben Mallah and Tony Utegaard tell me that since crafting the first Collector’s Edition Mustang Pool Table in Florida in 2009, their professional-grade pool and billiard tables have been delivered and installed in royal palaces, prime ministers’ offices (ScoMo or Albo?), luxury hotels, museums, car collections, and affluent homes in 29 countries. Our pick is the $75k, 1965 Shelby GT-350 Pool Table.

Of course, for the art connoisseurs there is the limited-edition photographic print of the Sultan and me in the WART Beemer parked in the front bar of the Kensi. Beautiful Giclée printing.

Fine-art gallery quality, designed to last lifetimes and not fade under harsh light (unlike the subjects). Every print is numbered and for a short period only, at no extra cost, we will write a personal dedication to you, a loved one or someone you really hate. Only a $25 donation to blazeaid.com.au/donations/how-donate/.

You missed out on the 2019 Bugatti Chiron Sport at RM’s Miami sale last weekend. It sold at our estimate of $5m which was well sold and well bought. While GM in Australia won’t sell me one, you can skip the queue, save a few million and buy a 2022 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray C8 from Sydney’s Classic Throttle Shop. Delivered this year, with just 101km on the clock, this incredibly beautiful rapid blue coupé comes with an 8-speed automatic dual clutch transmission and a 6.2 litre Chevrolet LT2 V8 lurking under the bonnet. I’d argue a bit about the price but you won’t get one this side of May 2023, so if you want it under the tree, jump now.

Moving along to our favourite subject. This stable’s Daily Telegraph carries a weekly column by well-known left wing (well compared to MM and me) commentator Vikki Campion. This week Vikki quite rightly pointed out that “While our city bureaucrats obsess over where to put car chargers, all regional drivers want is a safe road to drive on to get their kids to school”.

“Our roads are so treacherous not a single EV invited to drive them has ever shown up. They chicken out at the first river crossing, maybe 10km from the swampy bogs that need a 4WD, 20km from the three-foot drops which force tyres into bushland. This vision to put us in EVs is irrational for the realities of farm life.”

If we can work out how to use the GoPro and the iPhone, the Sultan and I will do our biggest test ever. We will head up to Vikki’s with my 20-year-old Land Cruiser, an EV we’ll hire at full freight from Hertz and show you the whole contest on Weekend Australian TV.

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