I don't know if it's happened to you but imagine you're just about to drive out of the garage on to the pit lane to line up for qualifying and you feel something big and hairy moving up your inside pedal leg towards your nether regions.
Qualifying is quite important in motor racing because it determines your place on the grid. When the light goes green and the bunny's away, having no traffic ahead of you is a huge advantage. In the MX-5 Cup it doesn't matter so much because the three Herrings (not a fish) Todd, Richard and Tim, are the Hamilton and Bottas of the class and always take up all the podium spots.
Anyway, I asked, well that's not exactly true, I actually screamed at team owner, race coach to the stars and car lessor Phil Alexander what could heading for my private parts? "Oh" the Nürburgring champ calmly replied, "it could be Harry the Huntsperson spider I saw on the front wheel this morning."
Eighteen readers and one friend, can I just explain for the non-arachnologists amongst you that the Huntsperson is probably the world's largest person eating spider and is often called (mistakenly but understandably) Tarantula or Giant Crab Spider. The ABC Science site tells us that instead of lacing together a webbed trap, they prefer jumping and stalking their prey. Once they've caught their prey, they immobilise it with a venomous bite and perform a little "victory dance."
Well this was not the best news I ever heard. I don't think I need to paint a picture for you of my imagining Harry dancing with my family jewels in his jaws.
Just as I had started to sob uncontrollably, Phil poked both his head and hand in the window. In his hand was a 61cm wrench. "Just close your eyes, take a deep breath and point to where Harry is now on his inexorable climb to your naughty bits," he calmly said.
Readers can I just report that while Harry's bite may have been painful, copping a few heavy blows from a 61cm wrench in what I would quaintly call the groin area may have sent Harry on a quick journey to spider Swarga, the happy hunting ground for Huntspersons, but it had painful and life scarring effects on your correspondent.
Big announcement sounds: and the UK's most unreliable car, as researched in a survey of 47,000 drivers by consumer group Which?, is the Volvo XC 90. In fact, Which? found seven cars so crook they want them recalled.