Before we move on to more important matters – such as our exclusive tutorial on driving in Italy, investigating rumours that the Kensi may be up for sale and our usual focus on child hunger in third-world nations – let's take a very brief look at last Sunday's parade of F1 cars in the Fiscal Fiend's vision of hell (no tax, no worries) Monte Carlo.

Fortunately, we had our correspondent, Mad Max Verstappen, reporting directly from his Honda: "Fudge me, Johnny, this is really boring. Should have brought my pillow."

And Hamo did you love it? "JC, everyone drove so slowly, it didn't matter what tyre you were on. We were driving seconds off the pace. I don't know what it was like watching but I am sure people were falling asleep. Most of us in the cars were nodding off. It was as boring as listening to the Country Hour on the ABC."

Anyway, no boredom in our DR 6 SUV rented from Avis for what should have been the 450km run from the Emilia-Romagna track to the Monte Carlo circuit. Unfortunately, we were using our old Melways and Gregory's to navigate, which somehow saw us go south rather than west and end up in Sicily.

I know many (four) of you think Italy is the world capital of sophistication, but the truth is the enlightenment clearly didn't reach the Italian Republic. Do you know they drive on the wrong side of the road? That there are no rules except most of the time it's best to drive on the right-hand side of the road. And that driving on mainland Italy is just practice for driving in Sicily.

Let me give you some helpful advice. Driving on the mainland is like driving in F1 but more competitive. Driving in Sicily is a combination of F1 and a demolition derby. The road rules are only known to members of the secret society. For instance, blinkers have one purpose: to show you are a tourist and therefore fair game, so don't ever use them. A pedestrian crossing is simply a better spot to scare old persons than driving on what passes for the footpath. Don't ever give way. It's a sign of weakness.

Speed signs are simply there for entertainment value. For instance, in 100m of road you can have signs that say 130kmh, 40 km/h, 60kmh and 100kmh. If you drive at less than 200kmh you will have at least 10 cars on your back bumper with lights flashing, horns tooting Il Canto degli Italiani and at the same time trying to sneak past on the passenger side.

Don't not stop at toll booths. Take the Telepass lane (like an e-Tag) even if you don't have one. The alternative is to try to pay at the toll gate which means you have to have a ticket. No one tells you that you have to have a ticket and there is no one that sells them.

With all this you'll need a traveller to settle your nerves so keep a small bottle of grappa or limoncello handy.

jc@jcp.com.au