Thinking Mother’s Day? Thinking how to get over the Pergola Party winning on election day? Thinking the best way to give your car dealer another way to rip you off? Think no more. Here are the six worst car accessories you can buy right now:
1. Portable car saunas:
Everyone knows about the saunas you can tow behind your car (Shym Saunas in Lonnie, Apple Isle, will hire you one for $300) but in Finland you can buy one of Magnus Bjork’s classic SAAB 900s that’s been converted into a full-blown sauna. Seats four nude persons. Be aware that Australian law prohibits nude sauna driving and mobile phone talking.
Yep, portable saunas are a thing - although in Finland you can actually bake in a car.
Yep, portable saunas are a thing - although in Finland you can actually bake in a car.
2. Portable car toilets:
Designed for use in any sedan, they claim to offer a practical solution for travellers, particularly families with children, persons of a certain age or anyone who spends long hours on the road without easy access to rest rooms. But they don’t tell you what happens when you fall off the device going around a corner and/or the constant smell that no amount of Little Trees air fresheners will fix. The plastic pee bottle (all sexes) is a more effective and cheaper option for number ones.
3. Paint protection packages (aka dealer margin in a bottle):
Sold with the enthusiasm of a multi-level marketer on Red Bull, paint protection is the #1 upsell at the dealer – and almost pure profit. Often nothing more than an overpriced wax job with a fancy name, this “ceramic miracle” is pitched like it’ll repel UV rays, bird poo and existential dread. In reality? A good hand wash and $30 bottle of sealant from Supercheap does the same.
4. Dashboard carpets:
Yes, the fuzzy little rug to “protect” your dash. Because nothing says cutting-edge automotive design like grandma’s bath mat stretched across your instrument panel. It fades, curls and traps dust like it’s collecting for a museum. And if your airbag’s under there? Good luck.
5. Dealer finance, insurance and add-on insurance for your car:
One good thing Canberra does for you is www.moneysmart.gov.au/loans/car-loans. “Shopping around for the best car loan can save you thousands in interest and fees. Car dealers often get a 20 per cent commission of the insurance premium. The policy is good for them, but not necessarily good for you. Car dealerships will try to sell you add-on car insurance. This includes loan protection, gap cover, and tyre and rim protection. These products are not good value for money. Don’t feel pressured to buy them.” Wise words from the Canberra Communists.
6. Quad Lock:
Quad Lock sells the thing that stick your phone to the windshield. The Quad Lock always falls off, with your phone intact, at the worst possible time and usually into the worst possible place – your nether regions. Like Mazda, Quad Lock will say they have never seen this problem before.
Sprint to the wall
Miami F1 heats up while Neat
Burger closes down
FIA president Mohammed Ben Sulayem is having second thoughts about his swearing crackdown after drivers called it “ridiculous.” Penalties for saying naughty words could soon be reworked – because frankly, asking F1 drivers not to swear is like asking a rally car not to slide.
Meanwhile, Max Verstappen is still cranky over his Saudi Arabia penalty. He leads the whinging, but it’s Oscar Piastri who leads the championship! Yep, Australia’s new golden boy is now top of the table – 99 points, three wins and zero drama. Ossie and Leaping Lando are even money for the Miami race, with leaping under enormous pressure to show he isn’t just an emotionally weak soap dodger.
Lewis Hamilton, on the other hand, is riding the Ferrari rollercoaster. One day he loves the car, the next week he’s ready to trade it for a Camry. Ferrari boss Fred Vasseur says they’re “working on solutions”. But the big question is will the Fezzer factory invest in working up changes for this year when the sport gets a whole new car for 2026.
Today in Miami it’s – one practice session, then it’s go time. Expect upgrades, aero tweaks and probably a few clumsy shunts into concrete walls. The paddock parties will be massive, the stakes even bigger. Can Piastri stay cool under pressure? Can Verstappen keep his mouth shut? Can Lewis find another gear? Buckle up. If you are in a proper place in Australia the big race is at 6am on Monday on Kayo.
Meanwhile, Hamo is having similar problems with the fast-food chain Neat Burger. Hamo set up the vegan burgers, vegan wings and vegan milkshakes business with Leonardo DiCaprio and Belgian soccer player Thibaut Courtois. Now it’s no more! The boys’ big idea was to offer burger buyers a healthy alternative to normal burger chains and it’d be bye bye Maccas. Turns out if it’s not mooing, it’s not me.
Quote of the week
Alfa’s 2025 Stelvio Tributo: Now with 2015’s finest features!
“The 2025 Alfa Romeo Stelvio Tributo Italiano would have been really compelling seven years ago. That means we’re basically working with a 10-year-old vehicle here. Sure, it’s still just about class-leading when it comes to the way it drives, but with technology that hearkens back to the Obama administration and a thoroughly Trump administration price, it’s hard to call the Stelvio a good buy in 2025.” Jalponik’s Andy Kalmowitz.
Ford to 13,000 uters
Please return your ranger before the sprocket eats itself
Ford’s Australian bestseller, the Ranger and the Everest four-wheel-drive, are being recalled because of a manufacturing defect; the left-hand engine camshaft sprocket may fracture. Let me tell you the last thing you want during this Trump-induced meta crisis is a fractured left-hand engine camshaft sprocket. Ford will contact the owners of the 13,000 trucks and give them a free sprocket to take home.
Back in what passes for America, 280,000 Ford and Lincoln owners aren’t glad they’re living in the USA because Ford just recalled their cars. Broncos, Expeditions and big F-lettered trucks and Lincolns you’ve never heard of are the culprits.
Spy in the driveway
China-linked EVs raise alarm in UK defence report
At last the truth is out. Are you an EV owner? Do you talk in your car? Then the Commies are listening and worse, watching you. SDL’s Defence Science and Technology Laboratory says Xi Jinping, 71, of Peking, is personally using microphones, cameras, and connectivity in your BYD, XPeng, Volvo, Chery and Great Wall Motors to stare at you from the heated rear view mirror and then put you on the naughty or nice list. If you are a minister or government official, it’s too late. Xi had you persons on top of the listening list.
Apologies if I haven’t answered your Mazda questions yet. We can’t afford AI here, so I am personally working though your emails and telexes.
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