In today's column I give you a lot of advice on how to be a winner in any aspect of your life.
Become President: How simple is that? Why didn't you think of it before? You see a few days ago I was on the phone to my old friend Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov who just happens to be the President of Turkmenistan, the country where the citizens have the longest names in the world, who told me "we've just got a race track at Ashgabat and we've just had our first race." "Gurbo that's fully sick. Who won Turkmenistan's first motor race?" Well of course funny I should ask because of course he did. He killed the competition — well not literally although of course that was possible if he didn't win.
Come fourth consistently: Of course the other way to win is to adopt the Mark Webber strategy and consistently come fourth. Mark is now running fourth in the driver's championship 8 points ahead of his deadliest rival Seb Vettel who stupidly thinks winning is the way to win.
Enter LeMons: A nationwide series of endurance races for cars that cost $500 or less. The 24 Hours of LeMons is restricted to cars that were purchased, fixed up, and track-prepped for a total of $500 or less. At most venues, the racing consists of tech inspection and track testing on Friday; long endurance-race sessions on Saturday and Sunday; and breaks for sleeping, eating, and Band-Aid application every night. At least once a year, they also hold a straight 24-hour endurance race. Count on plenty of noise, prizes, water fights, and questionably civilized fun before, during, and after the track sessions.
IS IT SAFE? Safety equipment isn't included in the $500 car-purchase price, so you'll have kind of a fighting chance. But car racing just isn't a brilliant thing to be doing. Get used to it.
IS MY CAR GONNA GET HELLA MUNCHED UP? Oh, almost definitely. LeMons is a non-contact event, but it's a crowded track with a whole lot of really hard driving. And even if your car survives out on the course, halfway through the race one entry will be chosen by popular ballot for immediate crushing. Could be yours. Heck, it probably WILL be yours. Be prepared.
ARE THERE PRIZES? Oh, lordy yes. Over the course of the year we'll be recognizing wins for marque, nationality, all-girls teams, etc. Some teams even win cash awards. Warning: We love to pay cash prizes in nickels.