I don't know about you but I've owned a few dogs. Most of them have been four-wheeled but I've had three four-legged ones. The four-legged have been much more satisfying despite no warranties, no extras and no trade ins. It turns out that, according to this section's very own Jared Lynch, dogs are also a better financial bet.

In story entitled "Dog prices to paws after ultimutt highs" (clearly the sub-editor was looking to follow our own Pete O'Donnell for headline of the century award), Jared tells us less than two years ago you could buy a kelpie for $25k; today they're $35k.

Now look, I like hollow logs as much as I like ankle biters, but I wouldn't pay $35k for either. For that money, Shannons will sell you a nice red pre-owned 1994 Mercedes-Benz 500SL R129 Convertible. Or you could buy a new Audi, Citroen, Hyundai, Nissan, Skoda or my choice: a Subaru BRZ or a Toyota 86. None need house training, they won't bark at the neighbours but with the exception of the BRZ and 86, attractive persons of any sex won't start up a conversation with you when you take the others for walk.

I have two bibles that I try to live by. One is that ode to the love that dare not speak its name except in the garage, Gone in Sixty Seconds, starring Nick Cage as the romantic lead (for the cars) and the other is Sweden's Steve Gossling's book The Psychology of the Car. Nick's in a Hollywood Fezzer dealership, the west coast equivalent of a man's shed. He opens his soul to the salesperson: "I've been in LA for three months now. I have money, I have taste. But I'm not on anybody's 'A' list, and Saturday night is the loneliest night for the week for me."

Roger, the dealer principal, understands the roles cars really play in Western society and why so many self-indulgent wieners with too much money spend the equivalent of the GDP of San Marino on a piece of metal. He looks Nick in the eye and gives him (and all of us) the answer to his and our own existential loneliness: "A Ferrari would certainly change that."

Steve Gossling also rightly explains that cars have important roles as means of sexual attraction. He draws comparisons between reproductive strategies in the animal kingdom that are mimicked by carmakers. While he observes the car is a space for sexuality, he then moves on to sexual acts with cars which could be a bit much to discuss on a Saturday morning.

But let me just point out that the current front cover of one of my favourite car magazines, Retromotive, features, in the manner of those now shameful men's lifestyle and entertainment magazines, a nude 50-year-old Lambo. Owner and LA resident Jeff Meier is no self-indulgent wiener. He is a connoisseur of low-mileage Lamborghini Miuras. He owns an orange one and a naked one.