I know you're disappointed. All year and maybe all your life you've been dreaming you could buy a car that would make you the person you've dreamed of becoming. A car that's power, shape and noise loudly makes both it and the driver have such strong sexual potency that the most desirable, men, women and others will instantly fight each other to sit beside you in the left-hand seat.
As soap dodger psychologists, Marsh and Collett, wrote in their 1986 classic Driving Passion; The Psychology of the Car: "Few people are indifferent to the sexual potential of the automobile or to its sexual symbolism."
Cheer up! While you have been moping, around your team here have been hard at work to show you where you have gone wrong. Maybe you bought the wrong-coloured piece of metal?
US car sales site iSeeCars compared the prices of more than six million new and used cars between 2017 and 2020 and used that data to determine which colours were best or worst for resale value. Now you will be shocked to find that white is only No. 9 on the list! Beige, orange and green are second, third and fourth. Beige cars only dropped by 22 per cent where gold (the worst paint you can have) cars plummeted by over 45 per cent. Top of the pops? Let's all be sick together. Yellow. Only a 20 per cent loss.
Maybe you didn't buy one of the London Telegraph's best cars of 2021? The conservative paper's motoring writers picked 10 but we don't count electric so here's the top four.
While the Telegraph rightly raved about the current Corvette C8 (available in Australia sometime soon for about $160k), be patient and wait for the 2023 Corvette Z06 with the Z07 package. Last year's model is mid-engined, cheaper and better value than anything from Europe at more than double the price, but the new Stingray will have 500kW (the most powerful naturally aspirated production V8 ever made), 0-100km/h in three seconds, carbon ceramic brakes, Michelin Pilot Sport Cup 2 tyres, carbon-fibre wheels and a spoiler that makes sense at around 290km/h. And they will make it ex-factory in right-hand drive and yellow.
OK, still looking for a guaranteed person magnet? The world's greatest auto promoter, John Hennessey, has two cars that genuinely have it all. John specialises in making fast cars 20 times faster than the maker ever thought they could be. Could anyone resist this? Porker or Audi. 289km/h. 600kW. And a real Douglas Fir tree strapped to the roof.