Bah humbug! Yes, it’s Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Day of the Return of the Wandering Goddess or, if you’re an atheist, Happy Nothing at All.
Not a very happy day for me.
I wanted to write about The Weekend Australian Racing Team’s (WART) huge appearance in the Adelaide Motorsport Festival this week. (Starts Thursday and don’t miss the Gouger Street street party on Friday night.) Team driver and legendary Adelaide BMW engineer, research scientist and brain surgeon Michael McMichael and I are, ironically, driving the oldest car in the modern competition section of the Shannons Adelaide Rally.
We’re up against the likes of Neal Bates and Coral Taylor. Neal and Coral are four-time Australian Rally Champions, Australian Classic Rally Champions and have just been inducted into the Australian Motor Sport Hall of Fame. Neal is also Bathurst class winner and a Peter Brock Medal winner
“Their places — with Jack ‘Gelignite’ Murray, Ross Dunkerton and Possum Bourne — as icons of rallying in this country are well deserved,” Hall of Fame chairman Garry Connelly (no relation that I know of) said at the presentation.
I don’t want to seem like a whinger but also in the rally are Craig Lowndes in a 2017 Ferrari — Bathurst winner, Clipsal 500 winner and Australian Formula Ford champion; Nick Percat in a 2017 McLaren — and the 2016 Australian Rally Champion; and Molly Taylor, the youngest ever and first female champion, 2016 Peter Brock Medallist, 2015 ARC runner-up and 2013 European Ladies Rally Champion, in a 2017 Subaru.
Again, I don’t want to complain but while everyone else has modern technology and a navigator who says things like “right 5 over crest, left 3 don’t cut, 100 right 1 tidy into left 2, 300 double caution jump, left 2 over kick into right 3 tightens”, we have the Adelaide equivalent of Gregory’s and Melway road maps to guide us as we spend three days rallying in the Adelaide Hills, McLaren Vale, Barossa and Murray Mallee regions. Michael says you can get an app on your iPhone that has a map on it but the only app I can find on mine is something called Candy Crush, which I’m pretty sure doesn’t have the Adelaide Hills on it.
I’m not saying our 1989 BMW 328i is no match for the Fezzers, Porkers, Lambos, Masers, McLarens, De Tomasos, Astons, Catrehams, Morgans, Alfas and the one Lotus, but while the right-hand front wheel has stopped falling off when you go around left-hand corners, the six-cylinder engine is running on five most of the time and we haven’t found the brown snake in the boot so far.
If you’re in Adelaide, make sure you join us at the Gouger Street street party. While we won’t have any Weekend Australian pens that don’t work I will be introducing Michael as my father. Get there at 5.45pm for a parade of phenomenal vehicles (except for ours, which you will recognise by the crook paintwork, wheel falling off and signage drawn with a Texta).
The cars will be driving under police escort from Victoria Park, up Wakefield Street, Grote Street and Morphett Street to Gouger Street. The police escort is to protect bystanders from our wheel falling off or Michael falling asleep at the steering wheel. Apart from our extraordinary machine you’ll see some other more ordinary ones like a Ferrari FXX driven by Craig Lowndes, three Formula One cars, world Superbike champ Troy Bayliss on a Ducati and Nick Percat in a brand new McLaren 720S.
As the PR spiel says, “Once in Gouger Street, you’ll be able to see these incredible cars up close, talk to the drivers, and enjoy an evening of entertainment from party band Mr Buzzy and roving performers”. I’m not sure Bayliss will like being called Mr Buzzy.
Talking of great cars, last Monday’s Shannon’s Melbourne Summer Classic Auction went off faster than a North Korean rocket aimed at Japan. Victorian numberplate 677 went for close to a $100,000, an Austin Healey 3000 Mark 111 BJ8 Roadster went for a bit more, the 1960 Jaguar XK 150S 3.8 fixed head coupe brought $132,000, two of Ian Cummins’ E-Types brought over $200,000 each, the 1988 Ferrari Testarossa was well sold at $275,000 and the Jaguar’s D-type recreation was passed in.
Talking of well sold, last week Sotheby’s sold a painting of Christ by Leonardo da Vinci for a record $600 million. Leo was a Renaissance man much like my co-driver Michael McMichael. He (Leo not Michael) invented the tank, parachute, helicopter, solar power and he wasn’t half bad on the brushes. Anyway, the next night, RM Sotheby’s sold a piece of modern art, Michael Schumacher’s 2001 F1 car, for close to $10m. For a car that would bring $4m max at a normal auction this was a triumph of artistic hype over common sense.
Then, around the corner in New York, Bonhams sold the 2.1m Robby the Robot from the 1950s sci-fi hit Forbidden Planet for $7m. Robby was the predecessor to all self-driving cars. He was integrated into a blue metal ute-looking robotic car that went so fast Commander John J. Adams, played superbly by Leslie Neilsen, called him a madman.
Sorry, I got carried away. In the fourth paragraph I mentioned I couldn’t write about the rally and I meant to say the editor wanted me to write one of those Xmas specials with recommended gifts and funny Santa references. So, I will do that next week and announce our Car Of The Year. And no, you can’t vote on it. Weekend Australian Motoring is more like North Korea and Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe than Malcolm Turnbull’s Australia where we get to vote on everything.
